So another year ends. The Mayans said that the world would end on Dec 21st. It didn’t. I don’t even know if that is a good thing.
Apple introduced the Ipad mini and Samsung came in with a host of new phones to deplete bank balances across the world. And yet, people couldn’t mass a device that would prevent rape.
I don’t remember if the things that I am gonna list out happened this year or the year before. Sometimes its just good to lose track of time, to flow not knowing each day from the last. Sometimes we should just club 2 years together so that we can think of some positives and not allow the negatives to dominate percentage points. But then technology has not given us the liberty of compressing time – Yet.
Quite clearly it was the year of lows. The Indian public woke up to the overwhelming reality of the sheer impotence of our ruling class. This realization was on the whole party agnostic. Each man in his character white kurtas and designer churidars stood naked in their pot bellies and wrinkled skins for the world to see. Half humans by growth if not by birth, these men in official cars and colonial bungalows and dubious pasts, almost destroyed an entire civilization.
I say almost because they didn’t quite succeed. Not for lack of trying, but because the civilization is too vast for them to destroy forever.
This was also the year that balance sheets and business objectives lost meaning. As they well might when you are faced with a civilization on balance.
Ma Durga and Ma Lakshmi were worshipped in their many avatars. We touched the feet of mothers and blessed our sisters. We made love to our lovers and kissed our daughters, and then when their back was turned, we violated them in a way that destroyed them again and again. We blamed rape on party politics, on short skirts, on tight jeans, on women’s education, on caste schisms , but never on Men’s animalistic tendencies.
Today we celebrate the spirit of the youth and the fight that Nirbhaya put up in 2012. And yet, I am scared that on scratching the surface, we will find a society deeply troubled because of its masochistic past.
Women are second class citizens and third class people. They are objects of pleasure and revenge and nothing else. Has it got something to do with our biology? Seriously, consider this, the very act of conceiving life is so violent.
Even there, it’s the women who are at a receiving end.
Would it have been different women had the little thing that forced its way in? I don’t know….
Throughout history, when we lost everything else, this was the one way we showed our anger…vented our frustrations. Violence is a deep reality of the mail psyche. We may cover it up with education and good thoughts. We may act all genteel and sophisticated, but just below the veneer, just beneath the surface, we are nothing but darkness and sharp teeth.
Its scary being a man in a world dominated by men.
We have to stop blaming women.
Throughout history and mythology, every epic of every hue has said ….Woman is the cause of destruction….
Lets analyze this a little. Draupadi caused the Mahabharata..common refrain…couldn’t be further from the truth. She was stripped in spite of her husbands being there…much like the poor dalit girl is stripped and paraded by the upper castes. Her predecessor, Amba was abducted as if she were a toy and then rejected when the patriarchal society had no use for her. Helen was blamed for the destruction of Troy. Till now, people say that Helen, in spite of being married to Meneleus, had an immoral affair with Paris. Nobody commented, that Maneleus was old and Paris was good looking. Nobody talked about the numerous concubines that Maneleus slept with and the fact that Helen fell in love with Paris.
Nobody said, that this was the silliest reason to destroy a civilization.
And yet that’s what happened.
The entire concept of Sati. There is enough historical evidence to show that much of this was forced. Yet it happened. It didn’t happen because of any great love the woman felt for the man…maybe she did or she didn’t. It happened because throughout the evolution of history, we subjugated them….purposely kept them weak, so we could be stronger.
Sati happened because the other men wanted the dead man’s property. Sati doesn’t find legitimacy in our scriptures. To the best of my knowledge that is.
They could have found an easier way of doing it. But no, men all over, Brahmins and others, decided that roasting a woman alive would give it all a nice little twist. So much so, through the ages, we created an environment when even women of all ages actually approved and venerated the act of Sati.
Think…Indians of all hue and ages…can you really think of something more repulsive?
I can! The act of female infanticide where you drowned a new born baby girl when she was born in milk. Crazy repulsive shit. The maddest bit is that this practice is still in vogue in India. There are people who still actually feel in a way crazy enough to kill a new born baby. By drowning her in milk.
In a society of paradoxes, the act of raping and killing Nirbhaya almost seems benign.
In a society of Khap Panchayats, where girls are not given the right nutrition, leave alone freedom to be educated, it’s a wonder that they have the right to vote, the right to breathe, the right to anything at all. This is a place where Fathers kill daughters for honour….where girls are conditioned from the moment they are born to be second to their brothers.
I laugh at people who say that these are pangs of transition. They say that the Urban milieu is more liberal and Women are actually getting savvier and assertive.
Don’t believe them. I know for sure that the large majority of Urban families are still fighting paradoxes. They still view the girl child as a liability…still labor under tremendous pressure if they cant get their girls married on time.
Crazy….
It will remain till the beast remains.
2013 has to be different.
COCONUT TIMES
Just another look at current events
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Monday, August 6, 2012
Anna As President
Not so improbable.
Just yesterday, amidst falling TRP ratings, Anna did something that he should have done long ago....Announce the floating of a Political party, who will then get elected and bring the change from within.
Very commendable, very ambitious and very late.
In the meantime, team Anna has sufferred like no icononic movement leaders have done in my living memory. They have lost face and support...in that order....and are now hoping to cash in on what is left.
A year back, when people were galvanized into a frenzy of support would have been the right time. Now that they have had the time to reflect and listen to varied views, I doubt if Team Anna will have any sort of support at all. At best they may, if all goes well, become a sort of irritant that a Mamta or a Thakerey have been in the next 15 years or so.
What will happen to Corruption till then?
Me believes that the corrupt will see this as a vindication of their stand. A sort of parole for taking money. Electoral politics in this country (as indeed in most of the uncivilized democratic world) is a matter of muscle and money power. Just where does the team intend to get these two anachronistic elements remains to be seen.
Are we still saying that the end justifies the means? If so, then Team Anna will take money. They will take favors. Once elected, they will have to side those that give them the money...and then what?
Someone told me that they will go to the people for money. That housewives and students, Rickshaw Wallas and Office goers, labourers and farmers, purohits and imaams will line up to contribute. That utopia, while not entirely impossible, is immensely improbable.
After all, this is not 1962 and we are not battling the Chinese. We are fighting against ourselves. The enemy within is always more ambiguous. Its a difficult recognition process. Is it clear that Bedi is not the enemy and Salman Khurshid is? Do we really see a difference between a Kejriwal and a Chidambaram? Do we really know these people at all...or were we completely carried away by the jingoistic rhettoric of a movement in ascent.
History is witness to mobs, even admittedly large ones, completely taking over public oppinion, driving rough shod over the larger majority who were more content in preserving their silence, content in perserving the status quo of their humdrum, yet harsh, existence. At the height of the movement, there were perhaps a million, maybe 2 who were ready to come out in total manifested support. This figure while not negligible by any standards constitutes (at the stretched estimate) maybe just 0.17% of the population of India. In comparison let me quote the following
- An estimated 5 million people turned up in a single day in Sabrimala in 2007
- An estimated 6 million people marched through London and Rome in protest against the Iraq War in 2003
- An estimated 2.5 million people marched together in the Sao Paulo Gay Pride parade in 2006
- Around 2 million people turned up in Tripoli in support of Muammar Gaddaffi in 2011 against Western Aggression
Yet another piece of trivia ... More than 70 Million people turned up for the Ardh Kumbha mela in Alahabad in 2007.
Now that is what I call complete support..even in a country of 1.2 Billion people.
At a certain level, personally, I am happy that this is taking a political turn. I am not a person who believes that politics is wrong by deffinition. It is actually the most noble of all professions.
It remains to be seen if the larger objectives are met through this move and if Team Anna preserves their sense of righteous indignation on anything that is remotely corrupt...even when they see the same in themselves....
In the meantime, corruption will continue till there is no comprehensive overhaul of public consciousness.
Not so improbable.
Just yesterday, amidst falling TRP ratings, Anna did something that he should have done long ago....Announce the floating of a Political party, who will then get elected and bring the change from within.
Very commendable, very ambitious and very late.
In the meantime, team Anna has sufferred like no icononic movement leaders have done in my living memory. They have lost face and support...in that order....and are now hoping to cash in on what is left.
A year back, when people were galvanized into a frenzy of support would have been the right time. Now that they have had the time to reflect and listen to varied views, I doubt if Team Anna will have any sort of support at all. At best they may, if all goes well, become a sort of irritant that a Mamta or a Thakerey have been in the next 15 years or so.
What will happen to Corruption till then?
Me believes that the corrupt will see this as a vindication of their stand. A sort of parole for taking money. Electoral politics in this country (as indeed in most of the uncivilized democratic world) is a matter of muscle and money power. Just where does the team intend to get these two anachronistic elements remains to be seen.
Are we still saying that the end justifies the means? If so, then Team Anna will take money. They will take favors. Once elected, they will have to side those that give them the money...and then what?
Someone told me that they will go to the people for money. That housewives and students, Rickshaw Wallas and Office goers, labourers and farmers, purohits and imaams will line up to contribute. That utopia, while not entirely impossible, is immensely improbable.
After all, this is not 1962 and we are not battling the Chinese. We are fighting against ourselves. The enemy within is always more ambiguous. Its a difficult recognition process. Is it clear that Bedi is not the enemy and Salman Khurshid is? Do we really see a difference between a Kejriwal and a Chidambaram? Do we really know these people at all...or were we completely carried away by the jingoistic rhettoric of a movement in ascent.
History is witness to mobs, even admittedly large ones, completely taking over public oppinion, driving rough shod over the larger majority who were more content in preserving their silence, content in perserving the status quo of their humdrum, yet harsh, existence. At the height of the movement, there were perhaps a million, maybe 2 who were ready to come out in total manifested support. This figure while not negligible by any standards constitutes (at the stretched estimate) maybe just 0.17% of the population of India. In comparison let me quote the following
- An estimated 5 million people turned up in a single day in Sabrimala in 2007
- An estimated 6 million people marched through London and Rome in protest against the Iraq War in 2003
- An estimated 2.5 million people marched together in the Sao Paulo Gay Pride parade in 2006
- Around 2 million people turned up in Tripoli in support of Muammar Gaddaffi in 2011 against Western Aggression
Yet another piece of trivia ... More than 70 Million people turned up for the Ardh Kumbha mela in Alahabad in 2007.
Now that is what I call complete support..even in a country of 1.2 Billion people.
At a certain level, personally, I am happy that this is taking a political turn. I am not a person who believes that politics is wrong by deffinition. It is actually the most noble of all professions.
It remains to be seen if the larger objectives are met through this move and if Team Anna preserves their sense of righteous indignation on anything that is remotely corrupt...even when they see the same in themselves....
In the meantime, corruption will continue till there is no comprehensive overhaul of public consciousness.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Shine On
The sense of despondency is palpable. It is as if the India Shining Story has turned on its head and is walking upside down to drown itself. Even the trees struggle to raise their heads. The tallness of the buildings are somewhat diminished and well….there is a pall of gloom shrouding the brightest light in the malls.
Talking of the malls. Well they don’t run that well anymore. Just yesterday they were full of people spilling cash like children spill water. The crowds are still there…hanging out the atrium and the food courts ….but nobody seems to be spending anything. They look forlornly at the merchandize and then move on ahead..”Not now” they seem to be collectively saying..”We are here only for Déjà vu…”
The spirit of the might have been surrounds the glittering lights.
So is this essentially an Urban phenomenon? Or is it that sadness has permeated down to the smallest village as well. Or did India shine only in the cities and never had the time to reach the Kasbahs that make up Rural and Semi Urban India!
I took a car and prepared to drive into the heartland of what is arguably India’s most developed state. Gujarat with 42% Urbanization and growing fast is the perfect test case. A state with good roads, a rate of agricultural growth that put service growth to shame, Industrial growth that bordered on the ridiculous and people with more BMWs than I have hair on my body. Irrigation has taken water to the desert and canals from great rivers criss cross ambitious cash crop settlements.
I took the turning left from Ashram Road…on the way out of Ahmedabad and stopped. Ahead of me on the sidewalk was a family of 5. Father, mother and 3 miniscule children. They were settled uncomfortably on the sidewalk….meager belongings wrapped up in tattered covers….3 bricks making up an improvised oven on which the mother was roasting Jawar cakes. Didn’t look as though they had bathed for a week or so. The kids were dressed in shirts that must have been of some color when they picked them off the garbage can. They were dressed in shirts and nothing else…their limbs not belying the frailty of their age.
I stopped my India Shining car and went over to them.
They came from the tribal district of Dahod to the city for a better future. So I asked them some and they replied a lot…
They had enough to eat in the village. They had a roof over their heads. They bathed twice a day and the children had friends and land to play in.
Sounded like a better deal to me and so I asked them “Why did you come here ? For what?”.
“For a better life ofcourse”
“So are you getting it here? “ I must have sounded incredulous.
“No….It was a mistake!”
“So why don’t you go back?”
“We have nowhere to go back to. You see we sold off our land to come here. Now the money is over and in any case it was never enough to even cover a few months rent.”
Shine on you crazy diamonds.
I drove back in a tizzy…my rural project abruptly on hold and I assumed rightly or wrongly that the rural situation couldn’t be much better or was it? Had it been taken over by the richer few like the cities had been.
The only difference would be that the poor in the city continue living in glass and concrete. The poor of the village just shift to slums in the cities. They come with stars in their eyes and stay with rocks on their souls. Farmers plouging the concrete and glass fields of development while their lands are bartered for petty profit that hurts in its short sightedness.
India shines on for the solid few. Crazyness dances a chaotic pattern across the rest. The lack of inclusiveness in progress can only lead to dislocation of our dreams in the mid to long term.
Of course India Shining has ensured that there are more sidewalks…..So the homeless can hitch up plastic covers for a settled homestead….till an SUV misses the road and runs over a few…
There will be more looking for a home.
Talking of the malls. Well they don’t run that well anymore. Just yesterday they were full of people spilling cash like children spill water. The crowds are still there…hanging out the atrium and the food courts ….but nobody seems to be spending anything. They look forlornly at the merchandize and then move on ahead..”Not now” they seem to be collectively saying..”We are here only for Déjà vu…”
The spirit of the might have been surrounds the glittering lights.
So is this essentially an Urban phenomenon? Or is it that sadness has permeated down to the smallest village as well. Or did India shine only in the cities and never had the time to reach the Kasbahs that make up Rural and Semi Urban India!
I took a car and prepared to drive into the heartland of what is arguably India’s most developed state. Gujarat with 42% Urbanization and growing fast is the perfect test case. A state with good roads, a rate of agricultural growth that put service growth to shame, Industrial growth that bordered on the ridiculous and people with more BMWs than I have hair on my body. Irrigation has taken water to the desert and canals from great rivers criss cross ambitious cash crop settlements.
I took the turning left from Ashram Road…on the way out of Ahmedabad and stopped. Ahead of me on the sidewalk was a family of 5. Father, mother and 3 miniscule children. They were settled uncomfortably on the sidewalk….meager belongings wrapped up in tattered covers….3 bricks making up an improvised oven on which the mother was roasting Jawar cakes. Didn’t look as though they had bathed for a week or so. The kids were dressed in shirts that must have been of some color when they picked them off the garbage can. They were dressed in shirts and nothing else…their limbs not belying the frailty of their age.
I stopped my India Shining car and went over to them.
They came from the tribal district of Dahod to the city for a better future. So I asked them some and they replied a lot…
They had enough to eat in the village. They had a roof over their heads. They bathed twice a day and the children had friends and land to play in.
Sounded like a better deal to me and so I asked them “Why did you come here ? For what?”.
“For a better life ofcourse”
“So are you getting it here? “ I must have sounded incredulous.
“No….It was a mistake!”
“So why don’t you go back?”
“We have nowhere to go back to. You see we sold off our land to come here. Now the money is over and in any case it was never enough to even cover a few months rent.”
Shine on you crazy diamonds.
I drove back in a tizzy…my rural project abruptly on hold and I assumed rightly or wrongly that the rural situation couldn’t be much better or was it? Had it been taken over by the richer few like the cities had been.
The only difference would be that the poor in the city continue living in glass and concrete. The poor of the village just shift to slums in the cities. They come with stars in their eyes and stay with rocks on their souls. Farmers plouging the concrete and glass fields of development while their lands are bartered for petty profit that hurts in its short sightedness.
India shines on for the solid few. Crazyness dances a chaotic pattern across the rest. The lack of inclusiveness in progress can only lead to dislocation of our dreams in the mid to long term.
Of course India Shining has ensured that there are more sidewalks…..So the homeless can hitch up plastic covers for a settled homestead….till an SUV misses the road and runs over a few…
There will be more looking for a home.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A very short history of Hindustan – An alternative Looky
Introduction
We take history too seriously. Actually….We don’t take history at all. In fact, history to us Indians is an extremely complicated look at mythology and eccentric rulers who seem to question the entire reality of being.
India never existed. Yes, there was a land mass (1) that extended from beyond Afganishthan to a small appendage below the peninsula where men with large teeth and ten hands stayed. Between these two extremes there dwelt a varied people who had (at various times) blue, dark black, grayish black, beige, brown, chocolate, cream and light brown skin. Some had moles, some didn’t. Some had long hair and dwelt on trees, and some had great vision and roamed around naked in the assumption that they may be called into action any time (Anybody who grew up on a steady diet of Amar Chitra Kathas will tell you that).
Kings and their families lived in magnificent forts and cities that were designed by Gods who specialized in architecture and building techniques that included scantily clad, voluptuous women with scantier morals ( I know that one is tough to explain….they were not there in suggestive architecture alone). Kings rode Elephants and were clad in iron and gold. In many cases it was difficult to explain who was riding whom and therefore one finds evidence that the Elephants were also dressed in Iron and Gold. Many kings also rode horses and palenquins. However, in all cases…all methods of transportation where dressed appropriate to the rider and it was sometimes difficult to differentiate between the rider and the ridden. In fact on many occasions, it was the horse (or the palanquin or the elephant) that passed instructions…and people never knew the difference.
Kings used bows that were larger than themselves and couldn’t be lifted. Some who could pick them up were considered to be great archers and they got beautiful wives whom they treated in fashions that can only be described as Cavalier. There were also kings with 10 heads and 1000 arms. These occasional freaks of nature, we are brought to understand, stole other men’s wives and put them up in 7 star resorts and suffered fate that made Troy heave a sigh of relief (A land that was destroyed by a married woman who was stolen by another man and it had a giant wooden horse somewhere built into the process….all very confusing).
Then there were Kings, also known as Nawabs, because they wore funny head gear and long shirts and knelt down on the ground 5 times a day, who built delicate and beautiful tombs that are considered to this day epitome of creativity. Strange to me though. Imagine this - a 10 x 12 Ft structure in Mumbai have 35 live people staying in it, but, in far away Agra, there is one DEAD woman and another Old DEAD man with a white beard (2 in all) who stay in a delicate but beautiful marble structure spread over some zillion and one acres.
There are fakirs with loin cloths who walked the length of the countryside for a pinch of salt and came from the Eastern hemisphere of the planet called Krypton. They flew down in spaceships and single handedly with the help of millions of others threw out light cream colored aggressors and reclaimed this entire piece of land (refer to point 1 for details of land reclaimed) on 15th of august because they wanted others to stand on the Red Fort and give long, very long, very very long and extremely boring speeches that nobody understands because they are in Politicanese…a linguistic nightmare born out of necessity and compulsion of the men riding horses (or palenquins, or elephants or rats or tigers or giraffes …. Well perhaps not giraffes)
(Couple of points may be noted here. The planet of Krypton has largely contributed to various events in this world. Earlier in the last millennium before the birth of Christ (after whose death Pirelli started making those wonderfully decadent calendars of semi clad women on tires), there was a man called Hanuman who was the ancestor of Superman who did not have a tail (Superman…not Hanuman. That is to say that Hanuman had a tail…not Superman). Hanuman wore an underwear and nothing else underneath. He also had a bloated mouth because he chewed tobacco and wore a crown. By the time Superman came into earth from Krypton, evolution had taken care of the tail and there were pants below the underwear because times were changing and one had to keep up with it.
Recently it has been noted that Superman’s illegal offspring who is therefore a direct descendant of Hanuman is known as Rajnikanthhhh and stays in the suburbs of a city called Chennai south of present day India. Like superman and hanuman, Rajnikanth can also fly and kick up a storm with his feet. He can destroy 10 headed monsters and say ‘Mind it’. He can run faster than a locomotive and swim deeper than a killer whale. However, it may be noted that he doesn’t wear an underwear over his pants. In fact there is no evidence that he wears underwear at all because times …they are a changing. Be that as it may, one thing is for certain…..Krypton is pivotal to our story. You will note in the course of the narrative that people from other parts of Krypton did not wear pants or underwears but thankfully wore loin cloths that they called their experiments with truth. They well might …..who am I to say no….
So this then is the challenge at hand. Recounting History of over 4 to 5 milleniums in a summarized and succinct ,manner that will be truthful and objective. I promise to attempt to do this with dishonesty and corruption in keeping with the traditions of Krypton which we have established is the precursor to what we know as India that is also known as Afganistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Wembley, New Jersey, Sri Lanka, Kuala Lampur, Durban, Nepal, Bhutan, Kampala, Mumbai and few other lands, all of which (as already established) fall between ‘Beyond Afganistan and Sri Lanka’ (point (1)).
I am thankful to Romila Thapar, Jadunath Sarkar, Basham, Rizvi, Nehru Uncle, Ved Vyas and Toynbee. I don’t know them, but they don’t know me either. I have read their works, but they haven’t read my works and that kind of gives me a moral superiority over them. My symbiotic relationship with them has resulted in this book of knowledge that I request serious students from JNU to read just before they sit down for their UPSC examinations. If nothing else it will save them from a life of luxury, comfort and security.
The Prehistoric Times
The prehistoric times were marked with various types of large 4 legged animals eating other 4 legged animals who predominantly ate plants. 2 legged animals with tails watched from large trees while they swung from branch to branch with their tails. At some point of time they fell off the trees because their tails couldn’t take the strain. Their tails remained entangled in the foliage above and created what we know as creepers today. Without tails, they were wasting away when one of them had a great idea and decided to turn human.
In the meanwhile, the four legged large creatures had largely been destroyed because heavy interplanetary apples that created craters on the ground. These creatures that were largish in size were called dinosaurs (not then..but later…and I don’t know why) and they were hard to miss. So they died and their place was taken by smaller animals that could slip between a barrage of interplanetary apples. Finally they put up a ozone layer that kind of baked the apples as they fell. This resulted in the discovery of the apple pie.
Humans, in the meantime, were thriving on fig leaves and whatever little they could find. They procreated with abandon and eureka, the big bang theory was established.
Be that as it may…I am digressing. A few of these people decided to call themselves Indians and migrated to 2 sides of the globe. On the one hand they found a land called Red India inhabited by Red Indians (More of that later) and on the other hand…they found a plentiful land that they immediately divided into zillions of pieces and decided to call them anything but India. Soon they put up 100s of well planned cities with night clubs and naked dancing girls and became very very civilized. Called the Indus Valley civilization these people had large cities and larger beards (Because Shaving cream was not yet invented)…..
…To be continued
We take history too seriously. Actually….We don’t take history at all. In fact, history to us Indians is an extremely complicated look at mythology and eccentric rulers who seem to question the entire reality of being.
India never existed. Yes, there was a land mass (1) that extended from beyond Afganishthan to a small appendage below the peninsula where men with large teeth and ten hands stayed. Between these two extremes there dwelt a varied people who had (at various times) blue, dark black, grayish black, beige, brown, chocolate, cream and light brown skin. Some had moles, some didn’t. Some had long hair and dwelt on trees, and some had great vision and roamed around naked in the assumption that they may be called into action any time (Anybody who grew up on a steady diet of Amar Chitra Kathas will tell you that).
Kings and their families lived in magnificent forts and cities that were designed by Gods who specialized in architecture and building techniques that included scantily clad, voluptuous women with scantier morals ( I know that one is tough to explain….they were not there in suggestive architecture alone). Kings rode Elephants and were clad in iron and gold. In many cases it was difficult to explain who was riding whom and therefore one finds evidence that the Elephants were also dressed in Iron and Gold. Many kings also rode horses and palenquins. However, in all cases…all methods of transportation where dressed appropriate to the rider and it was sometimes difficult to differentiate between the rider and the ridden. In fact on many occasions, it was the horse (or the palanquin or the elephant) that passed instructions…and people never knew the difference.
Kings used bows that were larger than themselves and couldn’t be lifted. Some who could pick them up were considered to be great archers and they got beautiful wives whom they treated in fashions that can only be described as Cavalier. There were also kings with 10 heads and 1000 arms. These occasional freaks of nature, we are brought to understand, stole other men’s wives and put them up in 7 star resorts and suffered fate that made Troy heave a sigh of relief (A land that was destroyed by a married woman who was stolen by another man and it had a giant wooden horse somewhere built into the process….all very confusing).
Then there were Kings, also known as Nawabs, because they wore funny head gear and long shirts and knelt down on the ground 5 times a day, who built delicate and beautiful tombs that are considered to this day epitome of creativity. Strange to me though. Imagine this - a 10 x 12 Ft structure in Mumbai have 35 live people staying in it, but, in far away Agra, there is one DEAD woman and another Old DEAD man with a white beard (2 in all) who stay in a delicate but beautiful marble structure spread over some zillion and one acres.
There are fakirs with loin cloths who walked the length of the countryside for a pinch of salt and came from the Eastern hemisphere of the planet called Krypton. They flew down in spaceships and single handedly with the help of millions of others threw out light cream colored aggressors and reclaimed this entire piece of land (refer to point 1 for details of land reclaimed) on 15th of august because they wanted others to stand on the Red Fort and give long, very long, very very long and extremely boring speeches that nobody understands because they are in Politicanese…a linguistic nightmare born out of necessity and compulsion of the men riding horses (or palenquins, or elephants or rats or tigers or giraffes …. Well perhaps not giraffes)
(Couple of points may be noted here. The planet of Krypton has largely contributed to various events in this world. Earlier in the last millennium before the birth of Christ (after whose death Pirelli started making those wonderfully decadent calendars of semi clad women on tires), there was a man called Hanuman who was the ancestor of Superman who did not have a tail (Superman…not Hanuman. That is to say that Hanuman had a tail…not Superman). Hanuman wore an underwear and nothing else underneath. He also had a bloated mouth because he chewed tobacco and wore a crown. By the time Superman came into earth from Krypton, evolution had taken care of the tail and there were pants below the underwear because times were changing and one had to keep up with it.
Recently it has been noted that Superman’s illegal offspring who is therefore a direct descendant of Hanuman is known as Rajnikanthhhh and stays in the suburbs of a city called Chennai south of present day India. Like superman and hanuman, Rajnikanth can also fly and kick up a storm with his feet. He can destroy 10 headed monsters and say ‘Mind it’. He can run faster than a locomotive and swim deeper than a killer whale. However, it may be noted that he doesn’t wear an underwear over his pants. In fact there is no evidence that he wears underwear at all because times …they are a changing. Be that as it may, one thing is for certain…..Krypton is pivotal to our story. You will note in the course of the narrative that people from other parts of Krypton did not wear pants or underwears but thankfully wore loin cloths that they called their experiments with truth. They well might …..who am I to say no….
So this then is the challenge at hand. Recounting History of over 4 to 5 milleniums in a summarized and succinct ,manner that will be truthful and objective. I promise to attempt to do this with dishonesty and corruption in keeping with the traditions of Krypton which we have established is the precursor to what we know as India that is also known as Afganistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Wembley, New Jersey, Sri Lanka, Kuala Lampur, Durban, Nepal, Bhutan, Kampala, Mumbai and few other lands, all of which (as already established) fall between ‘Beyond Afganistan and Sri Lanka’ (point (1)).
I am thankful to Romila Thapar, Jadunath Sarkar, Basham, Rizvi, Nehru Uncle, Ved Vyas and Toynbee. I don’t know them, but they don’t know me either. I have read their works, but they haven’t read my works and that kind of gives me a moral superiority over them. My symbiotic relationship with them has resulted in this book of knowledge that I request serious students from JNU to read just before they sit down for their UPSC examinations. If nothing else it will save them from a life of luxury, comfort and security.
The Prehistoric Times
The prehistoric times were marked with various types of large 4 legged animals eating other 4 legged animals who predominantly ate plants. 2 legged animals with tails watched from large trees while they swung from branch to branch with their tails. At some point of time they fell off the trees because their tails couldn’t take the strain. Their tails remained entangled in the foliage above and created what we know as creepers today. Without tails, they were wasting away when one of them had a great idea and decided to turn human.
In the meanwhile, the four legged large creatures had largely been destroyed because heavy interplanetary apples that created craters on the ground. These creatures that were largish in size were called dinosaurs (not then..but later…and I don’t know why) and they were hard to miss. So they died and their place was taken by smaller animals that could slip between a barrage of interplanetary apples. Finally they put up a ozone layer that kind of baked the apples as they fell. This resulted in the discovery of the apple pie.
Humans, in the meantime, were thriving on fig leaves and whatever little they could find. They procreated with abandon and eureka, the big bang theory was established.
Be that as it may…I am digressing. A few of these people decided to call themselves Indians and migrated to 2 sides of the globe. On the one hand they found a land called Red India inhabited by Red Indians (More of that later) and on the other hand…they found a plentiful land that they immediately divided into zillions of pieces and decided to call them anything but India. Soon they put up 100s of well planned cities with night clubs and naked dancing girls and became very very civilized. Called the Indus Valley civilization these people had large cities and larger beards (Because Shaving cream was not yet invented)…..
…To be continued
Friday, August 26, 2011
Today. Around India (Mostly Delhi though)
Nitin Gadhkari …of the famous laugh and jelly belly, today put his all behind Anna. “We support Anna. His strength of character is exemplary and BJP supports his movement through thick and ….well….thick”. A dispassionate political commentator who refuses to be named has politically commented (because that’s his job) that Gadhkari should take the 11 days Anna program of Fasting. This will reduce the Jelly and let the belly come through. He further added that 40% of Indian grain production is currently residing in the jelly belly, and so, Gadhkari could go on a truly indefinite fast to support any issue. However he would find few takers. The man on the street, when asked about Gadhkari’s statement, replied “ Gadhkari WHO?”
Vandana Luthra has filed case against Anna Hazare. She claims that he has conspired to close her clinics down. Its rumored that attendance to VLCC clinics all over the country have fallen. 25000 franchises of the VLCC chain and their employees have resigned in disgust. Anna’s 11 day program for weight reduction has found takers amongst middle aged people all over India who happened to consist of 90% of her clientele (The remaining 10% were over middle age).
Anna couldn’t be contacted for his comments as he was apparently running around Ram Leela maidan in Delhi. A panting Kiran Bedi said “Anna is value adding to the 11 day 6 kg sure shot program”.
After having slammed Anna for being anti muslim, Mr Bukhari re emerged from the recesses of the little korma shop behind Jumma Masjid and declared his unfailing support to Anna and his fast “I am sorry for my earlier comments” He said..”Anna is totally pro Islam. He has chosen the holy month of Ramadan to do his fast. He is an inspiration to Muslims all over the world”. He ended his statement by committing that he will have a chat with Mr Abu Musab al-Zarqawi about making Anna the spiritual head of peaceful Islam anywhere in the world. On being reminded that Anna is a Gandhian, Mr Bukhari replied that Gandhi was a shadow Muslim with definite leanings towards militancy. He could not further explain this preposterous point of view.
Dalits have refused to comment.
30% of Indians who live below the poverty line (That straight line just south of your belly) have registered an organization called – INDIANS FOR POVERTY. They claimed that they would soon go on an indefinite fast in venues spread across the length and breadth of India…mainly their own homes…in support of killing hunger. Official spokes gal of the organization Ms Poonam Pandey said “ I will go nude to inspire this fast. My nudeness will serve as a reminder that lack of food is not bad. It’s the will power that counts”. Unofficial spokeswoman and mother of 10, Shreemati Bhanumati from Bastar, Bihar, said “We have practice….it will be a breeze…we can get by a season without food comfortably”. Its rumored that Nitin Gadhkari may support this movement as well….Only he cant decide about the part of him that will support this.
The official slogan of the movement has been coined by Shri Piyush Pandey – “NO FOOD ….DAMN GOOD”. Students from IIM (Kazhikode) and Lovely Professional University are analyzing the brand potential of this slogan.
In the meantime, the parliament is rocking….Manmohan Singh almost said something interesting….but then changed his mind.
However, as they say, It’s the thought that counts…
Vandana Luthra has filed case against Anna Hazare. She claims that he has conspired to close her clinics down. Its rumored that attendance to VLCC clinics all over the country have fallen. 25000 franchises of the VLCC chain and their employees have resigned in disgust. Anna’s 11 day program for weight reduction has found takers amongst middle aged people all over India who happened to consist of 90% of her clientele (The remaining 10% were over middle age).
Anna couldn’t be contacted for his comments as he was apparently running around Ram Leela maidan in Delhi. A panting Kiran Bedi said “Anna is value adding to the 11 day 6 kg sure shot program”.
After having slammed Anna for being anti muslim, Mr Bukhari re emerged from the recesses of the little korma shop behind Jumma Masjid and declared his unfailing support to Anna and his fast “I am sorry for my earlier comments” He said..”Anna is totally pro Islam. He has chosen the holy month of Ramadan to do his fast. He is an inspiration to Muslims all over the world”. He ended his statement by committing that he will have a chat with Mr Abu Musab al-Zarqawi about making Anna the spiritual head of peaceful Islam anywhere in the world. On being reminded that Anna is a Gandhian, Mr Bukhari replied that Gandhi was a shadow Muslim with definite leanings towards militancy. He could not further explain this preposterous point of view.
Dalits have refused to comment.
30% of Indians who live below the poverty line (That straight line just south of your belly) have registered an organization called – INDIANS FOR POVERTY. They claimed that they would soon go on an indefinite fast in venues spread across the length and breadth of India…mainly their own homes…in support of killing hunger. Official spokes gal of the organization Ms Poonam Pandey said “ I will go nude to inspire this fast. My nudeness will serve as a reminder that lack of food is not bad. It’s the will power that counts”. Unofficial spokeswoman and mother of 10, Shreemati Bhanumati from Bastar, Bihar, said “We have practice….it will be a breeze…we can get by a season without food comfortably”. Its rumored that Nitin Gadhkari may support this movement as well….Only he cant decide about the part of him that will support this.
The official slogan of the movement has been coined by Shri Piyush Pandey – “NO FOOD ….DAMN GOOD”. Students from IIM (Kazhikode) and Lovely Professional University are analyzing the brand potential of this slogan.
In the meantime, the parliament is rocking….Manmohan Singh almost said something interesting….but then changed his mind.
However, as they say, It’s the thought that counts…
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Delhi - This evening
It has been reported by reliable sources that Anna, like Subhash Bose, has given the incredible cry of ‘Chalo Delhi’. At the time of creating this slogan, Anna, hands raised, was standing in the heart of the Ram Leela maidan, which, for the uninitiated and for those who had forgotten …happens to be in the heart of Delhi.
Various people from various places in India have woken up to the fact that the weekend is coming up. Airline companies have hiked rates and Railways have run out of tickets. Team Anna, has released a statement that goes “There is a conspiracy afoot by the government to prevent people from coming to Delhi. If the Airline companies don’t lower rates, then we will introduce an amendment in the Jan Lok Pal bill that will ban all Airlines. Anna has promised to go on a fast following this fast if the Airlines don’t act fast enough. We also have another demand. Rail traffic to Delhi needs to be increased by 500%. At least 2000 new trains need to be introduced from all cities to Delhi. This has to be done by tomorrow evening, or else, we will do a rail roko andolan starting today evening”.
The people from Delhi…native to Delhi…staying in Delhi claimed that Anna’s call was not for them as they stayed in Delhi from before. Therefore they are currently making a beeline for the Cinema Halls and Bars and Discos in various parts of Delhi. Said resident Gurpreet Singh from Mayur Vihar “I think we are not understanding what Annaji has to say. He is asking people to come to Delhi….This is his way of increasing tourism to the Capital city of India. I will definitely vote for him next time in Election and hope he become Tourism minister of entire India. Right now…I need to get drunk”.
It has been reported that the ‘Chalo Delhi’ visitors to Delhi will be put up at places that have never been touched by corruption. After extensive survey work, the authorities have circled in on one square centimeter of land in North Eastern Extreme of the city.
In another wholly unrelated development, Arnab Goswami has resigned from Times Now. It is said that his hearing has been prematurely effected from ‘The Studio Noise Syndrome’. In a media statement, a visibly distraught Arnab said “I have given my all to bring you divergent point of views. Now with a heavy heart I will need to retire due to Medical reasons”. Of course he couldn’t hear the sound of fire crackers that went off.
Unconfirmed report also said that Manmohan Singh has threatened to go on a fast until death till Anna doesn’t withdraw his agitation. When quizzed about this, Mr Singhvi, official Congress spokesperson , looked puzzled and said “No comments” A reporter reportedly overheard him screaming on the phone to somebody….”Why did nobody tell me he was alive in the first place….Nobody tells me anything…I will report this to madam…for sure”
Various people from various places in India have woken up to the fact that the weekend is coming up. Airline companies have hiked rates and Railways have run out of tickets. Team Anna, has released a statement that goes “There is a conspiracy afoot by the government to prevent people from coming to Delhi. If the Airline companies don’t lower rates, then we will introduce an amendment in the Jan Lok Pal bill that will ban all Airlines. Anna has promised to go on a fast following this fast if the Airlines don’t act fast enough. We also have another demand. Rail traffic to Delhi needs to be increased by 500%. At least 2000 new trains need to be introduced from all cities to Delhi. This has to be done by tomorrow evening, or else, we will do a rail roko andolan starting today evening”.
The people from Delhi…native to Delhi…staying in Delhi claimed that Anna’s call was not for them as they stayed in Delhi from before. Therefore they are currently making a beeline for the Cinema Halls and Bars and Discos in various parts of Delhi. Said resident Gurpreet Singh from Mayur Vihar “I think we are not understanding what Annaji has to say. He is asking people to come to Delhi….This is his way of increasing tourism to the Capital city of India. I will definitely vote for him next time in Election and hope he become Tourism minister of entire India. Right now…I need to get drunk”.
It has been reported that the ‘Chalo Delhi’ visitors to Delhi will be put up at places that have never been touched by corruption. After extensive survey work, the authorities have circled in on one square centimeter of land in North Eastern Extreme of the city.
In another wholly unrelated development, Arnab Goswami has resigned from Times Now. It is said that his hearing has been prematurely effected from ‘The Studio Noise Syndrome’. In a media statement, a visibly distraught Arnab said “I have given my all to bring you divergent point of views. Now with a heavy heart I will need to retire due to Medical reasons”. Of course he couldn’t hear the sound of fire crackers that went off.
Unconfirmed report also said that Manmohan Singh has threatened to go on a fast until death till Anna doesn’t withdraw his agitation. When quizzed about this, Mr Singhvi, official Congress spokesperson , looked puzzled and said “No comments” A reporter reportedly overheard him screaming on the phone to somebody….”Why did nobody tell me he was alive in the first place….Nobody tells me anything…I will report this to madam…for sure”
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
An open letter to Anna
Dear Anna
We are here right now. 65 years after democracy came to us, I may add – On a platter, we are right where we started - Protests forming what they call a second fight for independence.
Look around you…WE ARE FREE…In as much as a modern society can be without completely descending to anarchy. We are free. That freedom is reflected in the protests of the civil society, in the voices that hit you from the television sets, when you see people take to the streets and wave slogans and banners, when you see people drive on the wrong side of the road, when you hear of elected representatives raping minor girls and poor people staying anywhere that they fancy.
Tell me, where else in the world would you find a country more independent.
Anna, please note that curbing of corruption has to start with the definition of corruption. Corruption and I am only assuming here, in the present context is ‘Using of one’s office for personal advancement over public interest in a way that is illegal and unconstitutional’.
(I do not know if that is the right definition. I don’t know what the Indian constitution or the Indian Government says about it…but nor do at least a billion of my compatriots. I say Anna, I am the majority.)
However, going back….If that is (or at least comes close to) what corruption is, then there are any number of bodies that have been instituted by state or center to fight it. There is the CVC, the Vigilance cells in each large body, the ACB etc etc that have been set up to do exactly that. In fact you have the entire Police department, that stalwart of nepotism and petty bibery, which has been there for donkey’s years for crying out loud.
I say, Anna, and I say it in a tone that represents request - Shouldn’t we first run a movement that fights for the effective implementation of policy! Shouldn’t we make the existing bodies effective rather than imposing yet another huge organization with its own bureaucracy? Shouldn’t we insist that the legal system be galvanized into doing what you are trying to take in your own hands?
Annaji, look around; there are people around you who are not exactly the stuff that idols are made of. Of course there are guys who mean well and are above personal reproach, but hey, I don’t wanna take names, there are a few who may have Swiss accounts as well. Its political Anna and you know it.
Tell me Anna, what are the odds of you and your all India movement standing for elections, coming to power and then raising this issue?
That would be the constitutional way really. That would be the victoriously right way….That would be the way to go rather than give soaring TRP to unscrupulous channels, who exist because of people like you Anna. They make your mind up for you, no escape.
Imagine, if you got a true majority in the house, you wouldn’t have to fight on the streets…You could actually do this without the Tamasha…
But for that Anna, this needs to be a truly mass thing. A thing that almost ensures you a walkover in a democratic process. Are you sure of getting that Anna? Are you really sure this is a mass movement?
If you are, then rest assured I will vote for you….I love this country and for years if we have given buffoons the chance to be leaders, we may as well give a few years to you…..Let you institute your Civil Society Government with your Jan Lokpal. Let’s spend a few thousand crores more on salaries and scrubbed bathroom floors. Anna, let’s have you as the Prime Minister.
Till then Anna…just a small reminder – Years back a society not as free as ours rose up in protest. They were butchered with tanks in a picturesque square that represented people power.
Anna….We are Indian…Thank God for small mercies
Warm Regards
We are here right now. 65 years after democracy came to us, I may add – On a platter, we are right where we started - Protests forming what they call a second fight for independence.
Look around you…WE ARE FREE…In as much as a modern society can be without completely descending to anarchy. We are free. That freedom is reflected in the protests of the civil society, in the voices that hit you from the television sets, when you see people take to the streets and wave slogans and banners, when you see people drive on the wrong side of the road, when you hear of elected representatives raping minor girls and poor people staying anywhere that they fancy.
Tell me, where else in the world would you find a country more independent.
Anna, please note that curbing of corruption has to start with the definition of corruption. Corruption and I am only assuming here, in the present context is ‘Using of one’s office for personal advancement over public interest in a way that is illegal and unconstitutional’.
(I do not know if that is the right definition. I don’t know what the Indian constitution or the Indian Government says about it…but nor do at least a billion of my compatriots. I say Anna, I am the majority.)
However, going back….If that is (or at least comes close to) what corruption is, then there are any number of bodies that have been instituted by state or center to fight it. There is the CVC, the Vigilance cells in each large body, the ACB etc etc that have been set up to do exactly that. In fact you have the entire Police department, that stalwart of nepotism and petty bibery, which has been there for donkey’s years for crying out loud.
I say, Anna, and I say it in a tone that represents request - Shouldn’t we first run a movement that fights for the effective implementation of policy! Shouldn’t we make the existing bodies effective rather than imposing yet another huge organization with its own bureaucracy? Shouldn’t we insist that the legal system be galvanized into doing what you are trying to take in your own hands?
Annaji, look around; there are people around you who are not exactly the stuff that idols are made of. Of course there are guys who mean well and are above personal reproach, but hey, I don’t wanna take names, there are a few who may have Swiss accounts as well. Its political Anna and you know it.
Tell me Anna, what are the odds of you and your all India movement standing for elections, coming to power and then raising this issue?
That would be the constitutional way really. That would be the victoriously right way….That would be the way to go rather than give soaring TRP to unscrupulous channels, who exist because of people like you Anna. They make your mind up for you, no escape.
Imagine, if you got a true majority in the house, you wouldn’t have to fight on the streets…You could actually do this without the Tamasha…
But for that Anna, this needs to be a truly mass thing. A thing that almost ensures you a walkover in a democratic process. Are you sure of getting that Anna? Are you really sure this is a mass movement?
If you are, then rest assured I will vote for you….I love this country and for years if we have given buffoons the chance to be leaders, we may as well give a few years to you…..Let you institute your Civil Society Government with your Jan Lokpal. Let’s spend a few thousand crores more on salaries and scrubbed bathroom floors. Anna, let’s have you as the Prime Minister.
Till then Anna…just a small reminder – Years back a society not as free as ours rose up in protest. They were butchered with tanks in a picturesque square that represented people power.
Anna….We are Indian…Thank God for small mercies
Warm Regards
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