Introduction
We take history too seriously. Actually….We don’t take history at all. In fact, history to us Indians is an extremely complicated look at mythology and eccentric rulers who seem to question the entire reality of being.
India never existed. Yes, there was a land mass (1) that extended from beyond Afganishthan to a small appendage below the peninsula where men with large teeth and ten hands stayed. Between these two extremes there dwelt a varied people who had (at various times) blue, dark black, grayish black, beige, brown, chocolate, cream and light brown skin. Some had moles, some didn’t. Some had long hair and dwelt on trees, and some had great vision and roamed around naked in the assumption that they may be called into action any time (Anybody who grew up on a steady diet of Amar Chitra Kathas will tell you that).
Kings and their families lived in magnificent forts and cities that were designed by Gods who specialized in architecture and building techniques that included scantily clad, voluptuous women with scantier morals ( I know that one is tough to explain….they were not there in suggestive architecture alone). Kings rode Elephants and were clad in iron and gold. In many cases it was difficult to explain who was riding whom and therefore one finds evidence that the Elephants were also dressed in Iron and Gold. Many kings also rode horses and palenquins. However, in all cases…all methods of transportation where dressed appropriate to the rider and it was sometimes difficult to differentiate between the rider and the ridden. In fact on many occasions, it was the horse (or the palanquin or the elephant) that passed instructions…and people never knew the difference.
Kings used bows that were larger than themselves and couldn’t be lifted. Some who could pick them up were considered to be great archers and they got beautiful wives whom they treated in fashions that can only be described as Cavalier. There were also kings with 10 heads and 1000 arms. These occasional freaks of nature, we are brought to understand, stole other men’s wives and put them up in 7 star resorts and suffered fate that made Troy heave a sigh of relief (A land that was destroyed by a married woman who was stolen by another man and it had a giant wooden horse somewhere built into the process….all very confusing).
Then there were Kings, also known as Nawabs, because they wore funny head gear and long shirts and knelt down on the ground 5 times a day, who built delicate and beautiful tombs that are considered to this day epitome of creativity. Strange to me though. Imagine this - a 10 x 12 Ft structure in Mumbai have 35 live people staying in it, but, in far away Agra, there is one DEAD woman and another Old DEAD man with a white beard (2 in all) who stay in a delicate but beautiful marble structure spread over some zillion and one acres.
There are fakirs with loin cloths who walked the length of the countryside for a pinch of salt and came from the Eastern hemisphere of the planet called Krypton. They flew down in spaceships and single handedly with the help of millions of others threw out light cream colored aggressors and reclaimed this entire piece of land (refer to point 1 for details of land reclaimed) on 15th of august because they wanted others to stand on the Red Fort and give long, very long, very very long and extremely boring speeches that nobody understands because they are in Politicanese…a linguistic nightmare born out of necessity and compulsion of the men riding horses (or palenquins, or elephants or rats or tigers or giraffes …. Well perhaps not giraffes)
(Couple of points may be noted here. The planet of Krypton has largely contributed to various events in this world. Earlier in the last millennium before the birth of Christ (after whose death Pirelli started making those wonderfully decadent calendars of semi clad women on tires), there was a man called Hanuman who was the ancestor of Superman who did not have a tail (Superman…not Hanuman. That is to say that Hanuman had a tail…not Superman). Hanuman wore an underwear and nothing else underneath. He also had a bloated mouth because he chewed tobacco and wore a crown. By the time Superman came into earth from Krypton, evolution had taken care of the tail and there were pants below the underwear because times were changing and one had to keep up with it.
Recently it has been noted that Superman’s illegal offspring who is therefore a direct descendant of Hanuman is known as Rajnikanthhhh and stays in the suburbs of a city called Chennai south of present day India. Like superman and hanuman, Rajnikanth can also fly and kick up a storm with his feet. He can destroy 10 headed monsters and say ‘Mind it’. He can run faster than a locomotive and swim deeper than a killer whale. However, it may be noted that he doesn’t wear an underwear over his pants. In fact there is no evidence that he wears underwear at all because times …they are a changing. Be that as it may, one thing is for certain…..Krypton is pivotal to our story. You will note in the course of the narrative that people from other parts of Krypton did not wear pants or underwears but thankfully wore loin cloths that they called their experiments with truth. They well might …..who am I to say no….
So this then is the challenge at hand. Recounting History of over 4 to 5 milleniums in a summarized and succinct ,manner that will be truthful and objective. I promise to attempt to do this with dishonesty and corruption in keeping with the traditions of Krypton which we have established is the precursor to what we know as India that is also known as Afganistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Wembley, New Jersey, Sri Lanka, Kuala Lampur, Durban, Nepal, Bhutan, Kampala, Mumbai and few other lands, all of which (as already established) fall between ‘Beyond Afganistan and Sri Lanka’ (point (1)).
I am thankful to Romila Thapar, Jadunath Sarkar, Basham, Rizvi, Nehru Uncle, Ved Vyas and Toynbee. I don’t know them, but they don’t know me either. I have read their works, but they haven’t read my works and that kind of gives me a moral superiority over them. My symbiotic relationship with them has resulted in this book of knowledge that I request serious students from JNU to read just before they sit down for their UPSC examinations. If nothing else it will save them from a life of luxury, comfort and security.
The Prehistoric Times
The prehistoric times were marked with various types of large 4 legged animals eating other 4 legged animals who predominantly ate plants. 2 legged animals with tails watched from large trees while they swung from branch to branch with their tails. At some point of time they fell off the trees because their tails couldn’t take the strain. Their tails remained entangled in the foliage above and created what we know as creepers today. Without tails, they were wasting away when one of them had a great idea and decided to turn human.
In the meanwhile, the four legged large creatures had largely been destroyed because heavy interplanetary apples that created craters on the ground. These creatures that were largish in size were called dinosaurs (not then..but later…and I don’t know why) and they were hard to miss. So they died and their place was taken by smaller animals that could slip between a barrage of interplanetary apples. Finally they put up a ozone layer that kind of baked the apples as they fell. This resulted in the discovery of the apple pie.
Humans, in the meantime, were thriving on fig leaves and whatever little they could find. They procreated with abandon and eureka, the big bang theory was established.
Be that as it may…I am digressing. A few of these people decided to call themselves Indians and migrated to 2 sides of the globe. On the one hand they found a land called Red India inhabited by Red Indians (More of that later) and on the other hand…they found a plentiful land that they immediately divided into zillions of pieces and decided to call them anything but India. Soon they put up 100s of well planned cities with night clubs and naked dancing girls and became very very civilized. Called the Indus Valley civilization these people had large cities and larger beards (Because Shaving cream was not yet invented)…..
…To be continued
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