A very short history of Hindustan – An alternative Looky

Introduction
We take history too seriously. Actually….We don’t take history at all. In fact, history to us Indians is an extremely complicated look at mythology and eccentric rulers who seem to question the entire reality of being.
India never existed. Yes, there was a land mass (1) that extended from beyond Afganishthan to a small appendage below the peninsula where men with large teeth and ten hands stayed. Between these two extremes there dwelt a varied people who had (at various times) blue, dark black, grayish black, beige, brown, chocolate, cream and light brown skin. Some had moles, some didn’t. Some had long hair and dwelt on trees, and some had great vision and roamed around naked in the assumption that they may be called into action any time (Anybody who grew up on a steady diet of Amar Chitra Kathas will tell you that).

Kings and their families lived in magnificent forts and cities that were designed by Gods who specialized in architecture and building techniques that included scantily clad, voluptuous women with scantier morals ( I know that one is tough to explain….they were not there in suggestive architecture alone). Kings rode Elephants and were clad in iron and gold. In many cases it was difficult to explain who was riding whom and therefore one finds evidence that the Elephants were also dressed in Iron and Gold. Many kings also rode horses and palenquins. However, in all cases…all methods of transportation where dressed appropriate to the rider and it was sometimes difficult to differentiate between the rider and the ridden. In fact on many occasions, it was the horse (or the palanquin or the elephant) that passed instructions…and people never knew the difference.

Kings used bows that were larger than themselves and couldn’t be lifted. Some who could pick them up were considered to be great archers and they got beautiful wives whom they treated in fashions that can only be described as Cavalier. There were also kings with 10 heads and 1000 arms. These occasional freaks of nature, we are brought to understand, stole other men’s wives and put them up in 7 star resorts and suffered fate that made Troy heave a sigh of relief (A land that was destroyed by a married woman who was stolen by another man and it had a giant wooden horse somewhere built into the process….all very confusing).
Then there were Kings, also known as Nawabs, because they wore funny head gear and long shirts and knelt down on the ground 5 times a day, who built delicate and beautiful tombs that are considered to this day epitome of creativity. Strange to me though. Imagine this - a 10 x 12 Ft structure in Mumbai have 35 live people staying in it, but, in far away Agra, there is one DEAD woman and another Old DEAD man with a white beard (2 in all) who stay in a delicate but beautiful marble structure spread over some zillion and one acres.

There are fakirs with loin cloths who walked the length of the countryside for a pinch of salt and came from the Eastern hemisphere of the planet called Krypton. They flew down in spaceships and single handedly with the help of millions of others threw out light cream colored aggressors and reclaimed this entire piece of land (refer to point 1 for details of land reclaimed) on 15th of august because they wanted others to stand on the Red Fort and give long, very long, very very long and extremely boring speeches that nobody understands because they are in Politicanese…a linguistic nightmare born out of necessity and compulsion of the men riding horses (or palenquins, or elephants or rats or tigers or giraffes …. Well perhaps not giraffes)

(Couple of points may be noted here. The planet of Krypton has largely contributed to various events in this world. Earlier in the last millennium before the birth of Christ (after whose death Pirelli started making those wonderfully decadent calendars of semi clad women on tires), there was a man called Hanuman who was the ancestor of Superman who did not have a tail (Superman…not Hanuman. That is to say that Hanuman had a tail…not Superman). Hanuman wore an underwear and nothing else underneath. He also had a bloated mouth because he chewed tobacco and wore a crown. By the time Superman came into earth from Krypton, evolution had taken care of the tail and there were pants below the underwear because times were changing and one had to keep up with it.

Recently it has been noted that Superman’s illegal offspring who is therefore a direct descendant of Hanuman is known as Rajnikanthhhh and stays in the suburbs of a city called Chennai south of present day India. Like superman and hanuman, Rajnikanth can also fly and kick up a storm with his feet. He can destroy 10 headed monsters and say ‘Mind it’. He can run faster than a locomotive and swim deeper than a killer whale. However, it may be noted that he doesn’t wear an underwear over his pants. In fact there is no evidence that he wears underwear at all because times …they are a changing. Be that as it may, one thing is for certain…..Krypton is pivotal to our story. You will note in the course of the narrative that people from other parts of Krypton did not wear pants or underwears but thankfully wore loin cloths that they called their experiments with truth. They well might …..who am I to say no….

So this then is the challenge at hand. Recounting History of over 4 to 5 milleniums in a summarized and succinct ,manner that will be truthful and objective. I promise to attempt to do this with dishonesty and corruption in keeping with the traditions of Krypton which we have established is the precursor to what we know as India that is also known as Afganistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Wembley, New Jersey, Sri Lanka, Kuala Lampur, Durban, Nepal, Bhutan, Kampala, Mumbai and few other lands, all of which (as already established) fall between ‘Beyond Afganistan and Sri Lanka’ (point (1)).

I am thankful to Romila Thapar, Jadunath Sarkar, Basham, Rizvi, Nehru Uncle, Ved Vyas and Toynbee. I don’t know them, but they don’t know me either. I have read their works, but they haven’t read my works and that kind of gives me a moral superiority over them. My symbiotic relationship with them has resulted in this book of knowledge that I request serious students from JNU to read just before they sit down for their UPSC examinations. If nothing else it will save them from a life of luxury, comfort and security.

The Prehistoric Times

The prehistoric times were marked with various types of large 4 legged animals eating other 4 legged animals who predominantly ate plants. 2 legged animals with tails watched from large trees while they swung from branch to branch with their tails. At some point of time they fell off the trees because their tails couldn’t take the strain. Their tails remained entangled in the foliage above and created what we know as creepers today. Without tails, they were wasting away when one of them had a great idea and decided to turn human.

In the meanwhile, the four legged large creatures had largely been destroyed because heavy interplanetary apples that created craters on the ground. These creatures that were largish in size were called dinosaurs (not then..but later…and I don’t know why) and they were hard to miss. So they died and their place was taken by smaller animals that could slip between a barrage of interplanetary apples. Finally they put up a ozone layer that kind of baked the apples as they fell. This resulted in the discovery of the apple pie.

Humans, in the meantime, were thriving on fig leaves and whatever little they could find. They procreated with abandon and eureka, the big bang theory was established.

Be that as it may…I am digressing. A few of these people decided to call themselves Indians and migrated to 2 sides of the globe. On the one hand they found a land called Red India inhabited by Red Indians (More of that later) and on the other hand…they found a plentiful land that they immediately divided into zillions of pieces and decided to call them anything but India. Soon they put up 100s of well planned cities with night clubs and naked dancing girls and became very very civilized. Called the Indus Valley civilization these people had large cities and larger beards (Because Shaving cream was not yet invented)…..

…To be continued

Today. Around India (Mostly Delhi though)

Nitin Gadhkari …of the famous laugh and jelly belly, today put his all behind Anna. “We support Anna. His strength of character is exemplary and BJP supports his movement through thick and ….well….thick”. A dispassionate political commentator who refuses to be named has politically commented (because that’s his job) that Gadhkari should take the 11 days Anna program of Fasting. This will reduce the Jelly and let the belly come through. He further added that 40% of Indian grain production is currently residing in the jelly belly, and so, Gadhkari could go on a truly indefinite fast to support any issue. However he would find few takers. The man on the street, when asked about Gadhkari’s statement, replied “ Gadhkari WHO?”

Vandana Luthra has filed case against Anna Hazare. She claims that he has conspired to close her clinics down. Its rumored that attendance to VLCC clinics all over the country have fallen. 25000 franchises of the VLCC chain and their employees have resigned in disgust. Anna’s 11 day program for weight reduction has found takers amongst middle aged people all over India who happened to consist of 90% of her clientele (The remaining 10% were over middle age).

Anna couldn’t be contacted for his comments as he was apparently running around Ram Leela maidan in Delhi. A panting Kiran Bedi said “Anna is value adding to the 11 day 6 kg sure shot program”.

After having slammed Anna for being anti muslim, Mr Bukhari re emerged from the recesses of the little korma shop behind Jumma Masjid and declared his unfailing support to Anna and his fast “I am sorry for my earlier comments” He said..”Anna is totally pro Islam. He has chosen the holy month of Ramadan to do his fast. He is an inspiration to Muslims all over the world”. He ended his statement by committing that he will have a chat with Mr Abu Musab al-Zarqawi about making Anna the spiritual head of peaceful Islam anywhere in the world. On being reminded that Anna is a Gandhian, Mr Bukhari replied that Gandhi was a shadow Muslim with definite leanings towards militancy. He could not further explain this preposterous point of view.

Dalits have refused to comment.

30% of Indians who live below the poverty line (That straight line just south of your belly) have registered an organization called – INDIANS FOR POVERTY. They claimed that they would soon go on an indefinite fast in venues spread across the length and breadth of India…mainly their own homes…in support of killing hunger. Official spokes gal of the organization Ms Poonam Pandey said “ I will go nude to inspire this fast. My nudeness will serve as a reminder that lack of food is not bad. It’s the will power that counts”. Unofficial spokeswoman and mother of 10, Shreemati Bhanumati from Bastar, Bihar, said “We have practice….it will be a breeze…we can get by a season without food comfortably”. Its rumored that Nitin Gadhkari may support this movement as well….Only he cant decide about the part of him that will support this.

The official slogan of the movement has been coined by Shri Piyush Pandey – “NO FOOD ….DAMN GOOD”. Students from IIM (Kazhikode) and Lovely Professional University are analyzing the brand potential of this slogan.

In the meantime, the parliament is rocking….Manmohan Singh almost said something interesting….but then changed his mind.

However, as they say, It’s the thought that counts…

Delhi - This evening

It has been reported by reliable sources that Anna, like Subhash Bose, has given the incredible cry of ‘Chalo Delhi’. At the time of creating this slogan, Anna, hands raised, was standing in the heart of the Ram Leela maidan, which, for the uninitiated and for those who had forgotten …happens to be in the heart of Delhi.

Various people from various places in India have woken up to the fact that the weekend is coming up. Airline companies have hiked rates and Railways have run out of tickets. Team Anna, has released a statement that goes “There is a conspiracy afoot by the government to prevent people from coming to Delhi. If the Airline companies don’t lower rates, then we will introduce an amendment in the Jan Lok Pal bill that will ban all Airlines. Anna has promised to go on a fast following this fast if the Airlines don’t act fast enough. We also have another demand. Rail traffic to Delhi needs to be increased by 500%. At least 2000 new trains need to be introduced from all cities to Delhi. This has to be done by tomorrow evening, or else, we will do a rail roko andolan starting today evening”.

The people from Delhi…native to Delhi…staying in Delhi claimed that Anna’s call was not for them as they stayed in Delhi from before. Therefore they are currently making a beeline for the Cinema Halls and Bars and Discos in various parts of Delhi. Said resident Gurpreet Singh from Mayur Vihar “I think we are not understanding what Annaji has to say. He is asking people to come to Delhi….This is his way of increasing tourism to the Capital city of India. I will definitely vote for him next time in Election and hope he become Tourism minister of entire India. Right now…I need to get drunk”.

It has been reported that the ‘Chalo Delhi’ visitors to Delhi will be put up at places that have never been touched by corruption. After extensive survey work, the authorities have circled in on one square centimeter of land in North Eastern Extreme of the city.

In another wholly unrelated development, Arnab Goswami has resigned from Times Now. It is said that his hearing has been prematurely effected from ‘The Studio Noise Syndrome’. In a media statement, a visibly distraught Arnab said “I have given my all to bring you divergent point of views. Now with a heavy heart I will need to retire due to Medical reasons”. Of course he couldn’t hear the sound of fire crackers that went off.

Unconfirmed report also said that Manmohan Singh has threatened to go on a fast until death till Anna doesn’t withdraw his agitation. When quizzed about this, Mr Singhvi, official Congress spokesperson , looked puzzled and said “No comments” A reporter reportedly overheard him screaming on the phone to somebody….”Why did nobody tell me he was alive in the first place….Nobody tells me anything…I will report this to madam…for sure”

An open letter to Anna

Dear Anna

We are here right now. 65 years after democracy came to us, I may add – On a platter, we are right where we started - Protests forming what they call a second fight for independence.

Look around you…WE ARE FREE…In as much as a modern society can be without completely descending to anarchy. We are free. That freedom is reflected in the protests of the civil society, in the voices that hit you from the television sets, when you see people take to the streets and wave slogans and banners, when you see people drive on the wrong side of the road, when you hear of elected representatives raping minor girls and poor people staying anywhere that they fancy.

Tell me, where else in the world would you find a country more independent.
Anna, please note that curbing of corruption has to start with the definition of corruption. Corruption and I am only assuming here, in the present context is ‘Using of one’s office for personal advancement over public interest in a way that is illegal and unconstitutional’.

(I do not know if that is the right definition. I don’t know what the Indian constitution or the Indian Government says about it…but nor do at least a billion of my compatriots. I say Anna, I am the majority.)

However, going back….If that is (or at least comes close to) what corruption is, then there are any number of bodies that have been instituted by state or center to fight it. There is the CVC, the Vigilance cells in each large body, the ACB etc etc that have been set up to do exactly that. In fact you have the entire Police department, that stalwart of nepotism and petty bibery, which has been there for donkey’s years for crying out loud.

I say, Anna, and I say it in a tone that represents request - Shouldn’t we first run a movement that fights for the effective implementation of policy! Shouldn’t we make the existing bodies effective rather than imposing yet another huge organization with its own bureaucracy? Shouldn’t we insist that the legal system be galvanized into doing what you are trying to take in your own hands?

Annaji, look around; there are people around you who are not exactly the stuff that idols are made of. Of course there are guys who mean well and are above personal reproach, but hey, I don’t wanna take names, there are a few who may have Swiss accounts as well. Its political Anna and you know it.

Tell me Anna, what are the odds of you and your all India movement standing for elections, coming to power and then raising this issue?

That would be the constitutional way really. That would be the victoriously right way….That would be the way to go rather than give soaring TRP to unscrupulous channels, who exist because of people like you Anna. They make your mind up for you, no escape.
Imagine, if you got a true majority in the house, you wouldn’t have to fight on the streets…You could actually do this without the Tamasha…

But for that Anna, this needs to be a truly mass thing. A thing that almost ensures you a walkover in a democratic process. Are you sure of getting that Anna? Are you really sure this is a mass movement?

If you are, then rest assured I will vote for you….I love this country and for years if we have given buffoons the chance to be leaders, we may as well give a few years to you…..Let you institute your Civil Society Government with your Jan Lokpal. Let’s spend a few thousand crores more on salaries and scrubbed bathroom floors. Anna, let’s have you as the Prime Minister.

Till then Anna…just a small reminder – Years back a society not as free as ours rose up in protest. They were butchered with tanks in a picturesque square that represented people power.

Anna….We are Indian…Thank God for small mercies

Warm Regards

Yahoo...Suku Suku

In the heart of political sensationalism and pouring rains, there was an incident of great import to people like me. The passing away of Shammi Kapoor was and will be a matter of sadness for me and millions of his fans elsewhere.
His contribution to coming of age is great. Greater than what Anna is doing and great than what Manmohan uncle unleashed in the 90s. Back in the 60s, before I was born, before my parents were married, there was this man…Fat, obnoxious and very good looking who went to town with his swagger and sexuality. In the days of Raj Kapoor, Dev Anand and Dilip Kumar, here was a guy who was unabashedly different….extremely unconventional….very loud…very funny…..

He turned his lack of dance skills into a fine art, he made his stocky frame break into pieces, negating his fat with constant random motion…He made rock n roll mix with Bhangra…Desi style and he made his leading ladies go weak in their knees with one ill timed scream …..Yahoo….

I believe he gifted us Mohammed Rafi…in as much as Rajesh Khanna did Kishore Kumar.
When we were growing up, in college, up near and close with the opposite sex for the first time, it was their jugalbandi that gave us confidence. Sitting on the college steps belting out ‘Diwana Mujhsa Nahi’ with gullible feminine eyes looking at us, we so wanted to be him. We wanted to drive an outsized American car on thin mountain roads with brooks flowing by. We wanted to play drums the way that made our hair spray all over the place and dance the way that only un danced the floor…”Baar Baar Dekho Hazaar Baar Dekho” was pretty much the story of my first girlfriend. She was sucker to fall for it and I was not even a half decent singer.

And then there was the inevitably urbane and obviously sophisticated Sharmila in Kashmir Ki Kali…in a Kashmiri villagers dress (no less)….being romanced by a large if good looking man who couldn’t stand straight. He jumped into the Daal Lake and lip synched with passion that lent Mr Rafi a whole new dimension altogether…..An entire generation after the 60s, in the late 80s, Shammi Kapoor was still dictating the way we thought of romance.

It was not about candle lit dinners and long drives….It was that and much more. If the object passion showed too many nakhras even after the songs and the dinners and the long drives….you just did things the Shammi Kapoor way …… Yahoooo

It was not only when he was romancing them, but also when he was being romanced. His is the image that comes to mind when one thinks about a archetypal spoilt brat giving a tough time to his dearly beloved for some flaky reason or the other…So when Asha Parekh of the big behind and bigger eyes fame, sang Sona Re to a pouting Shammi Kapoor, we youngsters went into raptures…’that’s exactly how we want our GFs to behave’ ….. It was wow time. In a country where men never cried or pouted, it was Shammi’s pout and ready tears and general persona that defined the birth of the Indian Metrosexual. A persona that was not related to the overriding problems of the Indian diaspora, but a man who was and will be forever a symbol of urbane sophistication that is however rough around the edges….that can play a guitar and a drum and scream out loud when cornered …Yahoooooo. And this long before the 1990s when the word in question came into being.
Shammi Kapoor, Good morning. You are as alive as you were in the 60s. We are fast approaching the middle years and yet your voice still resonates in our ears and reverberates around the heart walls. Yahoo….Shammi (Once born…never dead)

Random Love

Like us many have spoken over this spring,
But they were gone in the twinkling of an eye,
Like us, many have broken down on love
But few had the roots to build on it

Love is not a common man on the street
Its value is in its invincibility
That which can be broken down
Is never love in its entirety

We can grow as we go on
In this utopia or outside
For in either case my dear dear love
I remain and YOU remain

Amake Amaar Moto Thakte Dao

Recently this song has become very popular in Kolkata. The imageries that go with the lyrics are superb. Cant possibly explain the same in English, but I still tried to translate the song into English in Angrezi...leaving out the effective essense. But it was that or nothing....

Let me be the way I am
I have set myself the way I need to be
All I couldn’t have ..is best that way
That’s why I have reason to live

That twilight zone in your world hits me
Like brightness through crushed stained glass
If you want to fly let yourself go
I wont look for you again

There is a bit of chaos in life right now
Amidst that I try to write a new story
I need to cut away all that clung on
So I try and I try

Suddenly if love pours down
Like streaming life in the light of dawn
You can look for me with misty eyes
You will find that I am gone

Try not to light a lamp for me
I am lost in the patterns of humanity
I am finding my way again through the wall
Looking for a way to break it down

All the dreams that run through your blood
Are restless , are random and fast
When you take a pause just consider
When this dream slipped through your fingers

I want to miss the symphony of your life
Fade away like the ripples it caused
Never again will I go with your flow
I like this anonymity